Mayor Bloomberg thinks you are fat and out of control. You need to be stopped.
By now, you’ve probably heard about the Mayor’s controversial proposed ban that will outlaw the sale of sweetened drinks over 16 ounces that contain more than 50 calories.
Had he taken action earlier, I am sure something like 600 million people in the world would be skinny. You know, like Calista Flockhart skinny. Damn you Bloomberg for not taking action sooner!
In any case, I am sure he is not to blame for it all.
Matter of fact, we can’t possibly be responsible for our own weight control…someone else must be responsible!
If you ever start to feel that you are personally responsible for your own weight…shift your blame to one of these people…
Probably your moms fault for having that Chocolate Malt when you were 4 months away from entering the world. Yep, that loaded you up with the need for shakes everyday for the rest of your life (once you were born anyway).
Clearly your pediatrician had something to do with it. I mean you were only a baby. They had many opportunities to abduct you and raise you as his/her own in the mountains living off bark and berries.
You can also blame ANY and ALL companies that create, manufacture, or sell candy of any kind. Bastards practically forced you to buy the stuff…just for the prize.
Advertising executives clearly forced you to order that pound of fried Twinkies and Vat of soda….they are certainly to blame.
Any so-called “Chef” on TV must also be blamed if they every used butter, chocolate, or food in their food preparation.
Krispy Kreme. I mean really, who has not been gang raped by a dozen the-light-is-on glazed donuts? Yep, I blame the Winston-Salem based corporation for your weight gain. (Special note: Krispy Kreme corporation is located in Winston-Salem and there were “Salem Witch Trials.” Coincidence? I think not.)
The Food Network. Really? Do we need food porn 24/7? You just switched on the television to find a good fitness video and BAM…food porn. Just doesn’t seem fair…or your fault.
Neil Armstrong can be blamed for his historic walk on the moon. The way he bounced around no doubt had an impact on your psyche and made you afraid of “floating” off into space. Clearly any weight gain was an attempt to combat that real danger.
Anything related to Disney, Cartoons, Reading, and Sports must also be condemned. They either showed you that you will never succeed (and therefor you might as well eat) or they showed you that in order to succeed, you must be bigger and stronger (therefor, eat more).
Ben of “Ben and Jerry’s” Ice Cream. I don’t blame Jerry, he seems nice and pro-skinny people. I think Ben is the one that throws in all the bad stuff.
Yep, your weight is not your fault. You never had a chance.