“Croc-Blocked” – Mission Accomplished

The survey completed on May 10^th, 2012 (Crocs ten-year anniversary) revealed the staggering statistics in which men are getting Croc-blocked by the “chunk-of-foam” shoes.

Men wearing Crocs AND having sex*….

Men age 6-12 (0%)

Men age 13- 17 – with partner (1.3%)

Men age 13 – 17 – without partner (89.5%)

Men age 18-99 (.3%)

*There was not a direct correlation between women wearing Crocs™ and getting to have sex. It seems women could wear shoes made out of sewer mud and still get laid should they so choose to.

Professor Talbot Merchant said it illustrates the destructive tendencies of the male species…

“Clearly men have the ability to slow down the population expansion by the fashion choices they make.

By choosing to wear Crocs™, the male has an almost impossible chance of having sex – unless of course they are at a comic book convention which appears to tip the scales in their favor.”

The survey should be a wake up call to men all around the world.

Getting Croc-Blocked is a real problem and clinics are opening up all around the world to help treat these unfortunate misinformed trendsetters.

Final Note: Women were not surprised by the study results. Most commented by saying, “duh.” 

Real Final Note: If for some reason you thought this report was real in any way shape or form, take off your shoes and seek help. I made it up for my enjoyment and the enjoyment of the six people  I know that don’t own a pair of these shoes.

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My favorite part of the whole story as reported by CNN was that Sara Tressler, for the most part, was not “stripping” for money [anymore] – she claimed didn’t have a gym membership and it was a good workout.

Here is the quote from CNN…

“Sometimes I would just go in for three hours at a time to get a workout in because stage rotation, if you’re doing it in 7-inch heels, is a really good way to get a workout in,” Tressler said. “And I didn’t have a gym membership. So, on days off I might just go in there in the afternoon and do a couple stage rotations and knock it out.”

She does have a point…

When have you ever seen a guy pull out $1 bills and hand it to the hot chick on the Stairmaster at the local YMCA? It just doesn’t happen*.

*Although it should in some cases. Some guys are just outright creepy and should at least shell out some cash since they are looking anyway.

Anyway, guys have convinced women that “Pole Dancing” is a form of exercise and women all around the country are signing up for these classes. Forget the fact you are wearing 5” high-heel shoes – it is for exercise.

Yep. Well-played Sara Tressler. I am sure you would have ridden that pole for hours…for free…just for the workout.

Oh, and what was Sarah’s newspaper reporting job? Covering high society of course.

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Although I try and stay out of it as much as possible, I constantly get asked to consult with individuals and companies about their social media and online tactics.

Do they have a presence? Should they worry about Twitter? How do they get to #1 on Google? Sheesh.

From now on I am going to send them this comic by Raf, Ray, and Will. (for those of out without superhero vision, just click on the image).

So…Go check out their site already!**

*Qualifier: I am not basing that on their choices of clothing. I have no idea how many “members only” jackets they own. 

**Really. If you don’t go to their site, Raf will probably send someone over to rearrange my coldest to warmest diet Pepsi’s in the fridge. That would be mean.

***Secret tip: When you go to the site, check out the mouse overs – sometimes they are funny by themselves. Course, I just broke the first rule of mouse overs: “Don’t talk about mouse overs.”

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This has to be one of the most amazing scientific breakthroughs in some time!

Due to a coalition of highly intelligent people, we are now able to ascertain that smashing heads might have a detrimental impact on overall brain function.

As dozens of players in the NFL line up to sue the NFL for not letting them know the dangers of playing football, I think their parents should be there as well (to pay any checks).

Come one. This is just another way to clean out the shallow end of the gene pool.

Here is a tip..

“Stop warning the stupid people and let natural selection do its work!”

Don’t get my wrong, I love Football. But you have to know that hitting people hurts. Right?…right?

We probably should warn some other sports enthusiasts about their current plight.

Sky Divers…you really can’t fly.

Scuba Divers…you really can’t breath under water.

NASCAR….really? Only left turns? One guy goes right…splat!

Did I miss anyone?

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Facebook, Twitter, etc is an opportunity to share with friends what we are doing…at every second. Please “like me” so I feel validated. “Share” so I feel worthy of what I posted being relevant to others.

Of course you can follow others and see what they are doing – but who really cares what the High School cheerleader from 1984 is doing right now?

I stole this from George Takei on Facebook. Seems to sum up my thoughts exactly.

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“Why are the blood donation people so picky? “Where did you get all this blood?,” “Whose blood is it?,” “Why is it all in buckets?” – Sheeesh, why all the questions? No wonder people don’t like to donate blood.”

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On the downside, the Loch Ness Monster has still not been found.

 P.S. Is there a reason the person that sent this over to me did not provide a name?! I think so…

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Just outside the reservation in Whiteclay, Nebraska there are four beer shops that sold nearly five million cans of beer in 2010.

The Tribe argues that their people are coming to the stores, buying the beer, and are “smuggling” it back to the reservation (where they, presumably, drink it).

You want $500M because you can’t stop drinking beer?

Ok, here is who I am going to sue and on what basis…

1. Maserati – I can’t really afford to buy the one I want (or my spouse won’t let me). They should stop any and all advertisements so I don’t have to see them. Suit amount: $23M
2. Flippers Pizza – Because they make such a damn good pizza I want one every week. Suit amount: $45M
3. Rolex – Because they don’t make an attractive watch that I would want to buy. Suit amount: $3M
4. Hostess – Because the Twinkies they have now just don’t taste the same as the ones I had as a kid. Suit amount: $289M
5. Apple – Because they make me buy every new gadget they come out with (from day one). Suit amount: $237M*
6. Diet Pepsi – Because I drink too many and it must be their fault. Suit amount: $5.00
7. McDonald’s – For making the McRib Sandwich. Suit amount: $282
8. George Lucas – For making the prequels to Star Wars. Suit amount: $282M

*They can afford it

OK, back to the reservation…

So why not just start selling the beer on your own reservation and keep the profits to fight any “abuse?” Nah, that would be too easy…

Who are you going to sue?

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