For starters, I was supposed to be enjoying a lucrative private detective career on Oahu Island; driving around a Ferrari and living life with my friend who flies helicopters for a living.

Clearly that one did not pan out somehow.

My second career was as a Hollywood stunt man by day and bounty hunter by night.

Never happened.

Matter of fact, I never owned a black Pontiac Trans Am that spoke to me, never captured bad guys on the streets of NY, never solved medical dilemmas in under an hour, and I never battled siblings over the direction and control of my family empire.

Man, have I got some catching up to do. Anybody else missing something?

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Flooz.com – Pushed by Whoopi Goldberg, it was meant as an online currency to replace credit cards. The Loss? $35 Million (not counting late fees).

Boo.com – Online fashion at its finest. Too bad most people were still on dial-up and you could knit a sweater faster than your computer would show you one. The cost? A cool $165 Million.

MVP.com – Full of big name endorsements like Michael Jordan and Wayne Gretzky; nobody still has a clue what the heck there where suppose to be offering – not that it didn’t stop them from blowing through $65 million.

Go.com – Disney’s attempt to take on Yahoo. This Mickey Mouse operation lost about $790 Million.

Pets.com – The $82.5 Million Dollar Sock Puppet. Need I say more?

Kibu.com – Lasting a record 45 days, it targeted teenage girls forgetting the fact they didn’t really have any money. The $22 Million could have been used for a really great trip to the Mall.

Got any favorites of your own? The above ones are real, but feel free to make up your own (never let the truth get in the way of a good story).

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I came across Jimmy Kimmel’s Handsome Men’s Club video (thanks Claire). Other than being a cameo appearance extravaganza, it is really funny. Enjoy!

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• Smoking
• Any Film with Paris Hilton
• Natural Tofu
• Hostess Snowballs
• Meteor Collision
• Cheese from a Can
• Silly String in Eyes

In the end, scientist agreed the “Meteor Collision” had the soundest evidence; sighting the massive asteroid or comet smashing into Earth at Chicxulub on Mexico’s Yucatan Peninsula.

The decision to back the comet theory was not unanimous.

Both Darrel Milski and Buck Jopinvich, students from University of Wisconsin, stuck by their claim that “cheese from a can” was the ultimate death of the dominating beasts.

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Posting on Twitter, Sean Lennon said the ad was “not for money” but was intended to keep his father “out there in the world”.

Let it go already. If Sean and Yoko are ok with it – to keep their father/husband out in public once in awhile, so be it. It is not like they are doing it for the money (they are pretty set at this point).

Besides, would you rather see Yoko on a commercial to remind us of John Lennon? - I think not!

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Police told the Cape Cod Times that 22-year-old Marissa Ann Putignano-Keene tried Monday to run over the other woman and the woman’s son in a parking lot. The intended victim later told police that she had previously been in an intimate relationship with the groom.

Police say the couple married at Barnstable Town Hall and split a bottle of champagne afterward.

The bride was charged with assault and battery with a dangerous weapon. Her husband, 37-year-old Timothy Keene, was riding in the car with her and was charged with disorderly conduct.

Both were released Tuesday. It was unclear if either had hired an attorney.

You just can’t make this stuff up. For starters, did anyone even notice the age difference in the marriage. I would have let the husband drive. He clearly has more experience. - Maybe she looked taller in the crib?

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When people are depressed or undergoing financial hardships, they drink. Who would have thought?

My proof? Anheuser-Busch made $1.28 billion in the last quarter of 2009. Budweiser remains the market leader in the US and Brazil.

Sure some people will say it had nothing to do with the economy but I beg to differ. If it is not due to the economy, what is it?

• Certainly there were not that many NASCAR events going on.

• Martha Stewart has not changed from cooking with wine to beer.

• With the increasing shortage on chicken wings; beer and wing combos have not increased.

• Beer is still more expensive than water (for now).

Yep, I pretty much think it was the economy but will need extensive time and money to research fully.

[Insert government approved grant here for further testing]

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It was one of the product “features” that got my attention: “Safe for vegetarians.”

Granted I am not up on the vegetarian market (and please speak up if you are), but who knew that vegetarians have long since been craving the flavor of bacon to be coated on their lips?

Sure, bacon flavored lip balm seems to be the end all when it comes to a domestic common ground for meat-lovers and non-meat-lovers alike…but no. All is not nirvana when it comes to the meat flavored coating.

For instance the danger of attracting bears when camping comes to mind. Bears don’t know the meaning of “no” when it comes to casual kissing so the chance of them stopping at one kiss becomes unlikely.

If for some reason you are also wearing some sort of bacon scented body spray you should just notify your next of kin that you won’t be returning from the woods anytime soon.

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Disclaimer: First off, I am not a Dentist and I have never played one on TV (or any movies for that matter). So my dental skills are limited to listening to my ipod while someone cleans my teeth and talks incessantly about Matt Lauer.

I do have a Facebook account and I am trying to understand the method of which I am targeted by advertisers. Most are pretty harmless but this one kind of threw me off, but then again, I am also intrigued.

Should I currently be a dentist or is this my opportunity to offer theslowbleed readers some supplemental dental coverage courtesy of yours truly?

I do have some space in the basement and I do have something that could work as a dental chair.

I am not sure what to do about anesthesia.

I have gasoline for the lawn mower and some hydrogen peroxide – just not sure if they would work or if there is a “safe” mixture I should adhere to. Perhaps the Dental Implant course comes with a quick course on anesthesia?

Ok, I am game. Who is up first?

UPDATE 2/28/10: OK, now the advertisements are getting even creepier.

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“We can’t solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them.”

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