“Use Caution – One does not simply walk into Mordor.”

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Guess again. There are millions of creative ways the average person can cash in.

Here is an easy way to keep a couple extra million in your pocket.

1. Sell everything of value you own.
2. Take your $5.45 to the local park or freeway underpass.
3. Find a blind person (or at least one visually impaired enough to require a cane or seeing eye dog).
4. Hire that person to create you blind trust (assuming you trust them of course).
5. Give the person $1.00 and tell them that it is $100 (you will be expecting change).
6. Go to Wal-Mart with the remaining $4.45
7. Buy 10 apples for  $2.50 – then immediately go the parking lot and sell all 10 apples for $2.00 (clearly you will need to make it up in volume).
8. Collect the balance due from the blind guy (this will be interest income).
9. Declare loss on the apple sale (est. $235,000 profit you would have made had you knew how the hell to run a business).

10. Fire the blind guy and collect the unemployment for him.

11. Re-invest the unemployment benefits in the company.

Here is where the real cash comes in…

12. In the spring, buy Girl Scout Cookies.

13. Sell the cookies in the winter (don’t worry, they will keep).

14. In the winter buy McDonald’s McRib sandwiches.

15. In the spring, sell the McRib sandwiches (don’t worry, they will keep).

16. Hire back the blind guy.

17. Run for some sort of political office.

18. Get millions donated to help you (off the books of course).

19. Retire

There, now that wasn’t that hard was it?

*Course this has nothing to do with how Romney actually made money. I am pretty sure that there were no blind guys harmed and no apples. Course I can’t really speak for the McRib sandwich part – that is a gold mine!

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A recent poll indicated that as much as 43% of the people interviewed felt Tebow’s success with the Denver Broncos was due to “Divine Intervention.” I suppose that will be the same percentage of people I will piss off with these blasphemous comments I made up.

IF Jesus was to speak with Tebow the next day after the playoff loss, here are my top ten things I think he might say…

10. Stepped out for a couple days, did I miss anything?

9. What? The game was on Sunday? My bad.

8.  Ooops, Saturday night I was watching FireFly reruns. Man they cancelled that show too soon.

7. Dang, I wasted the entire second half waiting in line for a pretzel.

6. Dude, I thought you had this covered!

5. WTF? Like home field advantage would have made a difference?

4. Seriously, the next thing you will want me to do is actually play for you.

3. Sheesh, it was a loss, don’t go all Charlie Sheen on me.

2. Sorry man, I am a Packer Fan. 

1. Really Tebow, did you not think I had something better to do?

Feel Free to Add Your Own in the Comments!

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Let’s say, You come home from work and find there has been a sewer
backup in your neighborhood….and your home has sewage all the way up to your ceilings.

What do you think you should do ……

Raise the ceilings, or pump out the crap?

Best Response……came from Jerry L. (Dallas, Tx)

“How bout we kick the $#@% out of the guy who broke sewage line.”

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People, meet Ray, Will, and Raf.

In real life they probably don’t look like stick figures – but frankly, I have not ruled it out.

Anyway, click on the comic and give their site a spin.

What? Are you still reading this? Click on the damn comic strip already!

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Someone help me out. What is it that [Occupy] people want?

I mean, I love the passion, but corporations play within a set of rules they are given (for the most part).

Apparently we don’t want corporations to make money, but we still want them to employ lots of people.

Got insight? Leave a comment below…

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Now, we just need to order 25,000 iPhones and put them in the hands of virtual politicians. Oh wait, there is that whole “skylab” thing huh?

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Here is a list of some of my favorite Cyber Monday Holiday Jokes and Quotes (also good for Facebook Status Updates):

“If I don’t buy my kids a new babysitter (Playstation 3),  I can’t go to the bar every night.”

“At least with Cyber Monday I can avoid last years dressing room carnage. Guy in he next booth over said, ‘Hey, there’s no toilet paper in here!’

“It is impossible to put M&M’s on layaway via online. Sheesh.”

“Online shopping sucks. It is a lot harder to shove a 70-year-old out of the way on the way to a $2 waffle iron deal.”

“If I shop online on Cyber Monday I won’t’ need my Pepper Spray.”

“I am skipping Cyber Monday and praying for the safe return of Thanksgiving day turkeys. Did you know turkeys have fingernails by 6 weeks in utero? Save the turkeys!”

“Santa had it right. Visit family once a year.”

“What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a new job the next day.” – Phyllis Diller

You can avoid this on Cyber Monday…

Customer: May I try on that dress in the window, please?
Clerk: No, ma’am. You’ll have to use the fitting room like everyone else.

And lastly, why you don’t order food items online…

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn’t find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, “Do these turkeys get any bigger?” he stock boy replied, “No ma’am, they’re dead.”

Have any others? Share them in the comments!

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